George Carlin's new rules for 2007

New Rule:

Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you
don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them!
Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing
These days . . . mowing my lawn.

New Rule:

Don't eat anything
that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting
all shocked that a human finger was found in a
bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey,
it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain?
Trout? New Rule:

Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with
their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule:

If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you 're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule:

Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone.
Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule:

There's no such thing as flavored water.
There's a whole aisle of this crap
at the supermarket, water, but without
that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want
flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water..

New Rule:

Stop screwing with old people. Target
is introducing a redesigned pill
bottle that's square, with a bigger label.
And the top is now the bottom.
And by the time grandpa figures out how to
open it, his ass will be in the
morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just
solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule:

The more complicated
the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you
walk into a Starbucks and
order a "decaf grande half- soy, half-low fat, iced
vanilla, double-shot,
gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one
Sweet-n'-Low, and one
NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule:

I'm not the
cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my
PIN number,
pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't
want cash back,
and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be
ringing me up is
standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule:

Just because your
tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you
spiritual. It's right
above the crack of your ass. And it translates to
"beef with broccoli." The
last time you did anything spiritual, you were
praying to God you weren't
pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New
Rule:

Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly
sins. ESPN
recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because
watching
those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting.
What's next,
competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's
called "The
Howard Stern Show."

New Rule:

I don't need a bigger
mega M&Ms If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts
and eat
two.

New Rule:

If you're going to insist on making movies based on
crappy, old television
shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex
a remote so we can see
what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember
the reason something was
a television show in the first place is that the
idea wasn't good enough to
be a movie.

New Rule:

No more gift
registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's
for babies
and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff
you want and
having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the
white peo ple
version of looting.

New Rule:

And this one is long overdu e: No
more bathroom attendants. After I zip up,
some guy is offering me a towel and
a mint like I just had sex with George
Michael. I can't even tell if he's
supposed to be there, or just some freak
with a fetish. I don't want to be on
your web cam, dude. I just want to wash
my hands.

New
Rule:

When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months.
"27
Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I
didn't
really care in the first place.

New Rule:

If you ever
hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than
minimum
wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available
piece of
flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying" Do you want
fries with
that?"

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