Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it.
So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America?

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FATcells live forever.

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?

Bumper sticker of the year:
"If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier"


George Carlin's new rules for 2007

New Rule:

Stop giving me that pop-up ad for! There's a reason you
don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them!
Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing
These days . . . mowing my lawn.

New Rule:

Don't eat anything
that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting
all shocked that a human finger was found in a
bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey,
it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain?


Top 10 Ways to Tell You're a New Dad

Funny email I received:

Top 10 Ways to Tell You're a New Dad

10) Getting six hours of sleep is a privilege.

 9) The sentence, "Honey, could you take his foot out of my pocket?" sounds normal.

 8) You are used to doing everything one-handed.

 7) The thought of your mother-in-law coming over for a few hours is a pleasant one.

 6) The list of bodily fluids that disgust you has shortened, possibly to zero.

 5) Your idea of romance is hand-holding.

 4) You answer the question "How are you?" with "We're fine."

3) You decide whether a shirt is wearable not based on sweatiness, but
based on how well the spit-up stains match the shirt's main colour.

 2) You see a slender teenage girl walking down your street, and you
think, "Hey, I wonder if I could interest her in... babysitting?"

And the #1 way to tell that you're a new dad:

1) It takes you two months to write and send out a simple top-10-style joke email.